If your head feels as if you just took a helmet-to-helmet hit from James Harrison, don’t blame me. I didn’t buy you any drinks last night.

At least not so far as I can recall.
Although I can’t do much about the pounding in your noggin, perhaps I can inject a chuckle or two into that limp body of yours.
Yes, it’s time again for the Bobby Awards, now in their 16th season. When these babies go into syndication, I’m gonna be rich!
Sixteen years. Amazing. A newborn baby who read my first Bobby column in 1996 is now old enough to drive.
Or something like that.
Anyway, as you should know by now, the Bobbys honor the best and the worst, the goofiest and the dumbest, the oddest and most embarrassing moments our area had to offer during the year gone by.
Unlike those overblown national awards — the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Tonys — the Bobbys are locally produced and commercial free.
They also are biased, insensitive, slanted, sarcastic, one-sided and unfair.
And therein lies their beauty. POETIC INJUSTICE AWARD: In January, at Ripper Owens’ Tap House in Akron, the lead singer of a rock band named Fracture jumped into the air, came down awkwardly and — yep — fractured both legs. Good thing he wasn’t singing for the metal band Decapitated. JANET JACKSON AWARD: Beacon Journal reporter Phil Trexler, who might best be described as “stout,” was scheduled to cover a city council meeting but decided he couldn’t go after ripping a long tear in the seat of his pants. I’m pretty sure this marks the first time in Beacon Journal history a council meeting was not covered because of a wardrobe malfunction. Somewhere, John S. Knight is weeping. WORST DATE: A man from Geneva, east of Cleveland, was arrested in Indiana in January and charged with having sex with a corpse. He told police it was an honest mistake, because at first he didn’t realize the woman was dead. Apparently, his previous sex partners were not particularly imaginative. REVENGE OF THE RUBBER BOWL, CHAPTER III: During the three seasons since the University of Akron paid $61.6 million for InfoCision Stadium, the team has won five home games. That works out to $12,320,000 per victory. PROBATE COURT CUSTOMER OF THE YEAR: In December, a Jackson Township man named Happy Love Seran, 55, filed a motion to change his legal name to Happy Love Christian. His reasoning, as articulated on the application: “To be creative because I am changing the older I get.” Mind you, this perpetually delighted fellow has had his current name only since February. For the five previous years, he was known as Happy Mark Seran. Clearly, the man does not suffer from seasonal affective disorder. BEST NEW HOLIDAY: Only days into his administration, Gov. John Kasich’s office sent out a news release declaring March 17 as Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Ohio. Perhaps the author misread the name as Martin Luther O’King. PUSHOVER AWARD: Folding up faster than a cheap umbrella in a hurricane, Children’s Hospital pulled the plug on a billboard touting a suburban facility: “OMG! There’s an Akron Children’s ER in Montrose!” One person complained, saying she thought the use of that everyday texting phrase was disrespectful to God. Down came the billboard. Of course, Children’s got far more publicity by taking it down than it would have by keeping it up. THE PERFECT CRIME: A 39-year-old Cuyahoga Falls man was arrested after police said he broke into the Tallmadge home of his estranged wife’s boyfriend and attacked him with a sledge- hammer. According to the police report, the assailant wore a ski mask so he couldn’t be identified. The report also said that, as the mystery assailant was swinging his hammer, he yelled, “That’s my wife!” WE WERE NEVER ON HIS MIND: Willie Nelson is making Guns ’N Roses seem reliable. The country singer stiffed Akron fans four consecutive times in 2011, canceling one show because of “illness,” one because of “injury” and two others because of “scheduling conflicts.” The fourth time was definitely not a charm: He was supposed to fulfill the dream of a dying cancer patient with a personal meeting. Nice chops, Willie. EYEWITNESS NEWS: When three sex offenders were moved into a halfway house in Mansfield, the News Journal interviewed a next-door neighbor who has five kids and provides child care in her home. She was not pleased: “I have four little girls. It’s like a buffet for them over here. I don’t let my kids outside anymore. Those guys stare over here all the time. They sit on their front porch and stare. In fact, they’re staring over here right now.” COSMIC PAYBACK: When the Cleveland Cavaliers were suffering a historic 55-point loss to the Los Angeles Lakers in January, a bitter former Cav named LeBron James sent out this tweet: “Karma is a b****. Gets you every time. It’s not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!’’ Apparently, God detected a bit of negative karma in that tweet, because in James’ next game, he sprained an ankle. SECRET ALIAS MAN: In November, the longest-serving police chief in Brimfield history was replaced by ... the longest-serving police chief in Brimfield history. He started the month as Chief David A. Blough. He finished the month as Chief David A. Oliver. He says he changed his adoptive name back to his birth name to honor his biological father, who died when David was 9. My theory: He thought his job had term limits. YOGI BERRA TROPHY: During a Cleveland Cavs game in March, Miami star Dwyane Wade grew frustrated and squared off with a member of the Cavs. As TV announcer Austin Carr put it, Wade “has got his dandruff up.” CSI, AKRON: Summit County deputies shouldn’t even get credit on the stat sheet for this bust. In May, a 22-year-old Cuyahoga Falls man visited the jail to deposit money into an inmate’s account. When he approached the metal detector and was told to empty his pockets, he plopped down a bag of pot. Perhaps he was trying to cut through the red tape and get immediate access to his friend. Or perhaps he had consumed some of the stuff in the bag and become a tad forgetful. TYPO TROPHY: An organization dedicated to elevating the standards of journalism issued the following invitation: ‘‘Your [sic] Invited to The Press Club of Cleveland’s Excellence in Journalism Awards.’’ LOOSE LIPS AWARD: Apparently oblivious to the fact that all jailhouse conversations are tape-recorded, Edward Williams, father of Kelley Williams-Bolar, shared his delight over the international attention his daughter was receiving in the School Mom case: ‘‘You gonna make more money than you ever made at school!” Not sure about that, but she definitely got more attention than any other teacher’s aide — ever. EDWARD R. MURROW JOURNALISM AWARD: If you ever needed proof that radio stations tend to, um, borrow liberally from the Beacon Journal and Ohio.com, here’s Exhibit A: On Dec. 5, WNIR (100.1-FM) repeatedly reported that three Akron police officers had been arrested for abusing steroids. Well, yes, they were. But that took place on June 8, 2010. The old story showed up 19 months later on a list of the most-read stories of the day on Ohio.com only because a website linked to it, drawing lots of Internet clicks. PREMATURE PLAUDITS: At first we thought we were seeing a new wave of truth in advertising. Gov. John Kasich’s folks put out a news release headlined, “KASICH APPOINTS FLACK TO ETHICS COMMISSION.’’ Alas, it was a only mirage. The appointee was a Columbus man named Michael Flack. HOT TIP AWARD: A Canal Fulton man called the Beacon Journal’s managing editor and told him about a small knot of wood that looked like two faces. The caller had read about people selling things with faces on them, he said, and he promised that if we wrote a story about his piece of wood, he would split the profits with us. STEVE DYER EXCESSIVE ELOQUENCE AWARD: In honor of the former state representative who once intoned, “I look forward to the day that we can once again soar upon the wings of our innovation and take our rightful place among the stars,” we recognize Medina County Auditor Michael Kovack. As the anniversary of 9/11 approached, Kovack urged in a news release that we remain positive. “It is good to remember the response of the eagle to storms that would destroy lesser animals. In response to unexpected violent tempests, the eagle soars and rises above the disturbance, using unforeseen forces to propel it to greater heights. In contrast to other animals who stay mired in the storm and are consumed, the eagle’s response to the very thing that could destroy it allows it to propel itself to levels unattainable without the disturbance.” One more word out of him and I join al-Qaida. GENTLEMAN GODIVA: He didn’t win the race, but he surely won the hearts of fellow athletes who refuse to surrender no matter what the odds. Cincinnati police saw things differently. They were annoyed when they spotted the 35-year-old man running naked in the Flying Pig Marathon. When he wouldn’t stop, they blasted him with a stun gun. His mother later told the Associated Press that the man had borrowed a pair of running shorts from his father but they were too big and kept slipping down, so he doffed them because he had trained hard for the race and was determined to finish. OK, then. STEVE JOBS AWARD: Akron Deputy Mayor Dave Lieberth agreed to be a guinea pig for a Knight Foundation push to increase civic involvement through social media. While sitting in his office, he held a sort of mobile town meeting via the Web-based video phone service Skype. The first question from a group of folks gathered at the Akron-Summit County Public Library came from a woman living in the Summit Lake area. She wanted Lieberth to initiate a program for residents to collect their own poop and convert it to energy so they could save money on electric bills. Seriously. First question. Lieberth said — and we’re paraphrasing here — her plan did not pass the smell test. RECIDIVISM TROPHY: A Lorain woman just couldn’t seem to get the hang of driving on East River Road in Sheffield Lake. One day she was pulled over and ticketed at 11:40 p.m. ... and at 11:50 p.m. ... and at 12:43 a.m. Police said each time she was going more than 50 mph in the same 35-mile zone. They also said she was “polite and cooperative,” and that she told them she simply wasn’t paying enough attention. Sledge- hammer, anyone? BEST COLUMNIST: Modesty forbids.
Messages for Bob Dyer can be left at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He would like to express his eternal gratitude to colleagues and friends who passed along Bobby nominations during the year: Kathy Antoniotti, Rick Armon, Mary Beth Breckenridge, Rich Desrosiers, Doug Oplinger, Phil Trexler, Stephanie Warsmith and Craig Webb. God bless them every one.